Today SUCKED!!

I woke up to learning that Randy Hobbs passed away this morning.  He fought cancer for over two years.  The doctors didn't think he would make it six months, but he did.  Now he's in a much better place, living a much happier life, and waiting for the rest of us to come.  I think if he were to say something to me right now it would be something along the lines of "Take your time getting here, but when you do, let's drink a cold one and do a little donkey kickin"  Donkey kick is a dance that he always did.  Cracked me up! I never got enough of his strange dance moves!

I tried to get the last of my things from Chris' house, but when I got there it was quiet, and lonely, and a little empty.  I could hear everything my mind was thinking.  Unfortunately, that's not a good thing these days.  I couldn't concentrate because all I could think about was how I feel like my life is falling apart.  I know it's not.  I know that I'm fine.  But it just feeeels like it is.  I hate that.  I hate knowing that I'm fine but feeling like I'm not.  I wanted to badly to put all of Chris' things in order for him so that when he returned home this weekend, it'd be like I never lived there.  I didn't want him to have to come  home and move all of his furniture into his bedroom and see any of my things, but unfortunately I just couldn't do it.  Not only because I am physically unable to move his furniture by myself, but because it killed me to even be there.

I cried a lot today.  I know in my last post I talked about how getting me things out of the house was giving me closure.  Well that was yesterday.  But today it wasn't.  It was this feeling of "Oh my god, this is really it!"  And I hate that.  Those stupid "shoulda woulda coulda's" came rushing right back to me. Every day is like a part of a rollercoaster.  Yesterday was the up, today was the down.  When do I just get to go up?

From now on, I am making myself list a couple of things I look forward to.. whether it be things going on this week, or this month, or even this year.  That way I can focus on those things, instead of thinking about the past.

I look forward to my Zumba class tomorrow.  That class kicks my butt everytime.  Someday, I will kick it's butt!!

I look forward to Spanish III starting this week!!

I look forward to my dinner choices this week.. I'll let you know how they turn out.

I look forward to getting a little bit of strength back this week.

I look forward to Jeremy giving me more pain!!  Love personal trainers =)

Ok, it's bed time!!

Thanks for reading,
TK